A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
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Oct 162011
Oct 092011
Who could I think of but Beth de Bord…..
Aug 192011
- In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi.
- The increased electricity used by modern appliance parts is causing a shift in the Earth’s magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid-Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa.
- The idea for “tribbles” in “Star Trek” came from gerbils, since some gerbils are actually born pregnant.
- Male rhesus monkeys often hang from tree branches by their amazing prehensile penises.
- Johnny Plessey batted .331 for the Cleveland Spiders in 1891, even though he spent the entire season batting with a rolled-up, lacquered copy of the Toledo Post-Dispatch.
- Smearing a small amount of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve the itching and swelling.
- The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down if it weren’t for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over.
- The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man was owned by Frank Sinatra.
- The only golf course on the island of Tonga has 15 holes, and there’s no penalty if a monkey steals your golf ball.
- Legislation passed during WWI making it illegal to say “gesundheit” to a sneezer was never repealed.
- Manatees possess vocal chords which give them the ability to speak like humans, but don’t do so because they have no ears with which to hear the sound.
- SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below. Continue reading »
Jul 192011
THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS’ SCIENCE EXAMS:
* “Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
* “Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the
cow instead of the bull.”
* “When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”
* “H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
* “Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.”
* “Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes them perspire.”
* “Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas.”
* “The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and
the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity
contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o and u.”
* “Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
* “Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.” Continue reading »
1. No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If you sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
9. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
10. School lunches stick to the wall.
11. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma’s lap.
Jun 142011
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”
“It was great, Dad.”
“Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked.
“Oh Yeah” said the son.
“So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.
The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.”
With this the boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are.”
Too many times we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don’t have. What is one person’s worthless object is another’s prize possession. It is all based on one’s perspective. Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty we have, instead of worrying about wanting more.
Mar 172011
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”
Thats right, they didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But shes right.
They didn’t have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the babys diapers because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right, they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house not one in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza pan, not a screen the size of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But shes right, they didn’t have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But they didn’t have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
Yes, its a crying shame that we didn’t have the green thing back then!!!!
Mar 112011
H2O: Dangerous Chemical!
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
- it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
- it is a major component in acid rain
- it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
- accidental inhalation can kill you
- it contributes to erosion
- it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
- it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
- Forty-three (43) said yes,
- six (6) were undecided,
- and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?”
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
Mar 102011
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
- Avoid alliteration. Always.
- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
- Employ the vernacular.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren’t necessary.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- One should never generalize.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
- Profanity sucks.
- Be more or less specific.
- Understatement is always best.
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
Mar 082011
Living in a time when budget battles are ongoing, when
